This is the story of football as it's never been told before. A cock-eyed compilation of match reports, correspondence, and reminiscences from pundits, commentators, players, officials and spectators who weren't there but should have been.

The nutmegs, the tantrums, the penalty shoot-outs that have provided the ubiquitous topic of male conversation for generations, are entertainingly evoked. If The Random History of Football boasted the stories were in bite-sized chunks, Luis Suarez would buy every copy!